Storm of Swords: Second Half (spoilers! ASoIaF)

50% and further – sorry I got sucked in and I didn't keep good logs

Dany, hero-worship your brother less, he sucked. Also Jorah is getting more traitor-like all the time. Also that is a lot of slaves to free.

The predictions from the old lady are creepy. Beric talking about how fire consumes makes Melisandre's theology not so winning. And her Creepy Jesus theology is creepy. Jenny Oldstones might be the old lady's daughter or friend or even herself?

Bran + Meera = TWOO WUV, but srsly how old are these people? I am very unclear whether this is puppy love or true adult love.

Brienne as Jaime's salvation is sweet! She is the knight he couldn't be, who keeps her vows and is motivated by the proper things. And doesn't have ill-considered sexual relationships with siblings. Or sex with anyone, apparently.

Jeyne chasing Robb out seems obviously about Jeyne wanting to do evil to him, like she needs to be there to help with the Freys' scheming, not her wanting to be with him. I think she's in on whatever is coming.

Catelyn needs to get over Jon Snow being a bastard. It's been 16 years and approximately 30% of the population of Westeros are bastards (given the frequency it comes up in the text!). She is too mature and too smart to blame a baby for who its parents were or weren't. Also I think she's too smart not to pick up on the fact that Ned is NOT REALLY THE FATHER.

You know what wouldn't grow in a land of multi-year summers? Fucking apples. Apples require 1000-1500 hours of “chilling,” which is temperatures below freezing in winter to bloom in spring. They simply wouldn't set blooms in a years-long summer. And you know what would happen in a premodern society without modern food preservation techniques with a years-long winter? Everyone would die of fucking scurvy. [Kathryn: They never really describe how they make it through winter.] GRRM says, Eat your vegetables or you'll turn into a wight.

Hound: “Maybe we'll be in time for your uncle's bloody wedding.” OH YOU THINK IT'LL BE BLOODY, CHAPTER-ENDING SENTENCE? This is the second time GRRM has ended a chapter with (off-the-cuff) predictions about Edmure's wedding ending horribly. This wedding is going to end in death, death, death. (Maybe I'm good at predicting things because like 90% of my communication is sarcasm.)

Well that was horrifying. [Kathryn: That's what they call the Red Wedding.] Goodness.

The first Westerosi lord to forbid their army from drinking on duty will win the Game of Thrones, just saying.

Wait, how did Balon Greyjoy die? Ugh, it is hard to keep track.

Hero reborn in the sea – like Davos?

996 Lord Commanders of the Wall properly recorded but they can't manage to keep track of how to kill wights? “Obsidian knives” was too tricky?

Well now that Ygritte is separated from Jon she's gonna fucking die.

GAAAAAH don't wave at eagles; if this series has taught us one thing, it's not to wave at eagles.

In Bran's story Walder Frey is cursed for slaying a guest … the Night King must figure somehow.

Benjen is not wholly dead. I don't think he's ColdHands, who is older than Benjen, but maybe he is similar? I'm not sure who or what ColdHands is, but then I guess we don't know a whole lot about the magic beyond the Wall yet.

OH BAM the black door gives me chills.

Ugh way to have incestuous sex on the altar near your dead child, Jaime and Cersei, so creepy.

Sansa needs to stop using the word “tummy” in her internal monologue as she is NOT FOUR.

This wedding chalice is Bad News. [Kathryn: What makes you say that?] Tyrion says Joffrey can drown in it; Sansa hopes he gets drunk and breaks his neck. There's also a sword and a dagger and one other weapon, but the chalice gets like five paragraphs and has all seven houses on it.

Ohhhh, I did not get that Joff killed Bran. [He really is a loathesome little shit.] I feel like they are spending a lot of time going over everyone who might want Joffrey dead. But there was just a wedding slaughter like two chapters ago. [Kathryn: Everyone airs grievances at weddings don't they?] No, you're thinking of Festivus. [Kathryn: My bad.]

Ohhhhhhh Sir Loras is gay, for Renly apparently; things make more sense now.

Lysa. Dude. Turn off your baby clock. Have a little self respect.

Boy, Tyrion seems awfully sulky about a 14-year-old girl whose family was slaughtered by his not being in love with him. [Kathryn: I mean kudos for not raping her but that really only gets you so far.] Right. Sansa either plotted with Margaery or is fleeing in the night or both. When the hell did Tommen get here? [Why do you say that about Sansa?] Margaery's no innocent and that Queen of Thorns is both hilarious and totally lacking in scruples. I suppose it might be a Dornishman who was on the inside but I think Margaery has to be in on it.

Cersei's accusation that Tyrion wanted to be king seems over-the-top, but this is an exciting battle with The Mountain. I keep confusing the first names of the Mountain and the Hound, but that does not actually seem to matter a lot to the narrative.

I'm sort-of nervous that Missandei will betray Dany. Also that Barristan won't tell her secrets she needs to know until it's too late.

SO CONVENIENT THAT THEY HAVE MEDIEVAL PENICILLIN.

Man, apparently this is the book where violent young women fail to kill men who need killin' (Dany, Arya; Jorah, the Hound).

Harsh for Dontos but he was creepy. So creepy.

Dany should have had Ser Jorah's head cut off; this will come back to bite her in the ass.

I predict Jaime will eventually go to the Wall (to fight, not take the Black).

Tywin does not have so many sons he should be disowning them at this rate.

OH LOOK JON IS WISHING FOR A DRAGON OR THREE TO DEFEND THE WALL. Maybe he eventually joins up with Dany so they can defeat the Others, in a veritable song of ice and fire!

Jon won't accept Winterfell from Stannis.

Oh Shae you stupid bitch.

Melisandre should be less obviously creepy; people would find her less off-putting and maybe she could make more conversion progress. Her evangelism is less successful than it could be because she gives most people the creeps.

DID NOT EXPECT DEAD TYWIN. [Kathryn: I KNOW RIGHT? But you kind-of did. You said Tyrion would bet against his family and kill them.] Oh, that's right I did!

Whoa, Lady Lysa … bitches be crazy.

WHOA ALL THE TULLY BITCHES BE CRAZY. ZOMBIE CATELYN ROCKS.

I have many important questions about zombies. Zombies north of the wall just seem to be randomly resurrected but zombies related to R'hellor require a priest and then just, like, get up, regardless of deathiness. My current theory is that dead bodies north of the area that wights control get up regardless as long as their bodies aren't burned; zombies otherwise require someone to raise them specifically. I do not know who raised Catelyn, or if she was raised by the automatic encroaching magic creeping south of the Wall.

I am surprisingly glad that Lady Lysa got shoved out her moon door because she was a uniquely horrible person for such a minor character. Selfish, preening, detached from reality, at least a little mad, and a rotten mother. So much of this story is about mothers and mothering. The characters spend all their time talking about fathers and bastardy, but the story much more often hinges on mothers and mothering. Interesting.